duminică, 3 august 2008

Stuck on Rewind

Each "goodbye" sounds wronger than the previous one. That is probably because you get used to the crying sound of your voice, to his last-kiss-for-this time, to the clumsy steps that take you both at the station. You always feel that is the last time you see each other, the last sigh before the new beginning. Even the beginning idea is a kind of a dull impulse that crosses your mind.
This time you definitely need to refresh your goodbye attitude, to look a bit cold, self-confident and full of dignity. At least this time you can apply the supergirl plan, in fact, look as he wish you'd ever been. You need to make him miss you, because his reaction is strongly related to your pride.
You don't even let him carry your luggage, you know you have forgotten the umbrella at his place, but you don't want to return there. Every sound that your heels make on the pavement is the perfect translation for "determined". You pay attention to every word you say, you have even saved some good jokes for this time, so that you look detached.
He starts humming something. However, a half of you two doesn't want to admit it is your favorite song.
"The call to arms was never true...
Time to imbibe here's to you"

You feel like singing yourself the song, as you did many nights before he had fallen asleep. Now you convince yourself that is just a memory and a male technique for good impression. You read somewhere that ignoring one's terrible manifests would finally stop the demonstration, so you step forward as nothing happened.
You feel your plan is decaying as you see in flash-backs all your autumns and all your sunrises that you burried together.
You start giving yourself arguments that is nothing wrong with effusive goodbyes.Natural mood is always efficient , isn't it? In the end, you look more "natural" than you have ever wished.
He is carrying your suitcase, you're holding his hand, you're both humming from time to time the same old song...
"It's such a silly thing to do
Now we're stuck on rewind"
In fact, you don't need a beginning, you need yourself, you need all your past dreams to feed you. And his image, although a memory everybody advises you to get rid of, is a protective presence that will guide you a long time for now on.

I lived few times this mentally aggressive goodbye. I remembered this episode because I am still feeling related to those that taught me not to cry for a goodbye. Whether they sang me or not, carried my luggage or kissed me goodbye, they were always there to help me understand the beginning. I lost some of them on my way and I've paid a tribute for them, becoming stronger. I am ready to join them to the station whenever they want to leave, and I would also wait for them at the destination, to see the joy of the beginning on their faces.





Raemon - Supergirl

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