Forword to Good Bye - perfect!

It comes a time when looking back doesn't mean weakness, nor excessive affection. Leaving the country two weeks form now doesn't make me aware of impact with another culture, one that can be pretty harsh, considering the different, German-US, approach to education. Many asked me for reasons to leave, but I've always considered that the purpose of my departure eradicated their curiosity. In fact, some looked for some spectacular proof for the fact I don't suit to the Romanian System. I won't comment upon the back up solution for my undergraduate studies here, but I'd really have few reasons to stay home. Of course, they all appeal to sensitivity, but today I felt something more than a strong emotion towards my country.

The Olympic Games luckily started for Romanians, so WE gained a Golden Medal in Judo in the 1st day. I was just reading the article in the newspaper and I was overwhelmed by the feeling of victory. It wasn't only a matter of devotion to my nation, but the taste of being on top that made me tremble. I have lived less intensive feelings for my own success, maybe because I didn't reach a point to please me.

Perfection is definitely not a point on verge of victory , neither one to make me self-sufficient. A realistic success, based on well-balanced emotional, intellectual and physical condition may configure a robot portrait of a victory. Sometimes it can be annoying that the so-called perfect scores or perfect performance are excessively praised by others around. For so long I felt a threat in my previous success, so that I had always to raise above myself.
Before leaving, I think is high time to establish other parameters for what I shall call 'performance'. Some that are not necessarily related to academic performance, but to self-management (these are quite rude and worn out terms, but I can't avoid them now). Life of responsible grown-ups demands more than a perfect body or a column of A-s.

Narcissism

Special Date

"The symbolism backing number Eight deals largely with business, success, and wealth. This is Largely due to the fact that Eight represents continuation, repetition, and cycles. Such elements are seen in arenas where success is obtained simply because of dogged determination and repetition by the practitioner. Also, matters of business and wealth largely depend on cycles to fulfill their manifestation. It's like the snowball analogy: As it continues to roll, in gets bigger and bigger with each revolution."

I liked a lot this description and by the end of the day I realized how much fate may be absorbed by a single day : 08/08/08. If it were about success and wealth, I am not the one to assimilate a good prediction. Today was meant for shopping, spooky dreams in the afternoon nap, 'healthy' lecture, mom's specialties for dinner, frivolous conversations.
However, 8 has been lucky for me lately. When I took my Subject Tests, I sat on desk no. 8C (and did everything well), I received good news on 8th March/May, I was intensively in love for no longer than 8 months, my 1st kiss was on 26th(2+6) , on 17th(1+7) I met my best friend, and... every day I w8 for a miracle.

Crossroad

Transition

Good books cause the brain to go on strike,' Cărtărescu reflects, on what makes a book good. Late at night I finished his novel "Travesty" which had a striking effect upon my midnight reflection. The subject focuses on an emotional climax, a decisive one for protagonist's maturity. I strongly recommend this book and let you discover what gives the substance of its action. In stead of retelling, I will make you see differently the transition towards maturity.

Victor, the leading character, notices the presence of his younger schoolmates, girls at the age of 10-12; their image provoke stream of harsh affection in teenager's mind. He perceives them “somehow mature, locked in mystery as in the sad moonlight shadow". This bitter light makes them look grown-up females and unveils their fecundity. "If you talked to them, you would immediately realize that they were children- children who were still drawing princesses on their math notebooks. Watching them, I hated more and more the hormonal curse - a total disaster that in twenty years will have transformed them into lascivious females, snob wives, filthy housekeepers, frustrated schoolmistresses, masochist intellectuals - Married, divorced, pregnant again and again, swallowing contraceptive, changing diapers, devouring their men, pouring out their gray substance. Why should they fall? Why can't at least some of them remain naive, gracious and serene? While the nasty worm becomes butterfly, why should they, fragile butterflies, become procreator, rapacious larvae?"
The conclusion left me speechless: "Yes, all of them will reach in a matrimonial bed, a bed which is nothing but a travesty of their own coffin"
The view upon little girls' future is quite bitter. At first lecture, I reacted as discriminated and punished - I am living myself the transition. The description lacks romanticism, but it is entirely applicable, even feminism did a lot for us. Not only women, but society may decay through mental erosion and worn out affection. In fact, the travesty is the dangerous attitude. It may not always lead to a coffin disguised in silky sheets, but it will definitely ruin the emotional inheritance. We may forget childhood and serenity, we may forget that we were butterflies, once...

Stuck on Rewind

Each "goodbye" sounds wronger than the previous one. That is probably because you get used to the crying sound of your voice, to his last-kiss-for-this time, to the clumsy steps that take you both at the station. You always feel that is the last time you see each other, the last sigh before the new beginning. Even the beginning idea is a kind of a dull impulse that crosses your mind.
This time you definitely need to refresh your goodbye attitude, to look a bit cold, self-confident and full of dignity. At least this time you can apply the supergirl plan, in fact, look as he wish you'd ever been. You need to make him miss you, because his reaction is strongly related to your pride.
You don't even let him carry your luggage, you know you have forgotten the umbrella at his place, but you don't want to return there. Every sound that your heels make on the pavement is the perfect translation for "determined". You pay attention to every word you say, you have even saved some good jokes for this time, so that you look detached.
He starts humming something. However, a half of you two doesn't want to admit it is your favorite song.
"The call to arms was never true...
Time to imbibe here's to you"

You feel like singing yourself the song, as you did many nights before he had fallen asleep. Now you convince yourself that is just a memory and a male technique for good impression. You read somewhere that ignoring one's terrible manifests would finally stop the demonstration, so you step forward as nothing happened.
You feel your plan is decaying as you see in flash-backs all your autumns and all your sunrises that you burried together.
You start giving yourself arguments that is nothing wrong with effusive goodbyes.Natural mood is always efficient , isn't it? In the end, you look more "natural" than you have ever wished.
He is carrying your suitcase, you're holding his hand, you're both humming from time to time the same old song...
"It's such a silly thing to do
Now we're stuck on rewind"
In fact, you don't need a beginning, you need yourself, you need all your past dreams to feed you. And his image, although a memory everybody advises you to get rid of, is a protective presence that will guide you a long time for now on.

I lived few times this mentally aggressive goodbye. I remembered this episode because I am still feeling related to those that taught me not to cry for a goodbye. Whether they sang me or not, carried my luggage or kissed me goodbye, they were always there to help me understand the beginning. I lost some of them on my way and I've paid a tribute for them, becoming stronger. I am ready to join them to the station whenever they want to leave, and I would also wait for them at the destination, to see the joy of the beginning on their faces.

Raemon - Supergirl

New Toy feat. Blue Mood

This is the very first post I write on my new laptop, the one meant to be my toy for my college years. It is ....somehow protected and educated, maybe a bit too open-minded, so that I've already caught some viruses. It has done its job well so far, grace to its lovely battery that keeps it awake for at least five hours (wireless). You may say I am not interested in basic technique features, well, I am, but all that count right now it's its Silver Blue Color( Sssh, I don't want to pamper it from the very beginning). In fact, some other things are turning blue for me. Both Jacobs' and Mercator's hallmarks are blue, and so are my expectations and my mood.
New month, new plans and dreams. I got used to wake up pretty late, but this is what my fellows advised me to do in my last holiday at "mama-acasa". It is nice to observe others' home sick au derriere, trying to imagine myself on the verge of depression with plenty of chores for the next week. Besides this, the quote of the day is : "Out of the three things a student needs to survive at Jacobs( sleep, high academic achievement and social life), he/she can get only two of them".
So, I intensively use my right for leisure activities before the cruel 25th.